Yes-butno bisexual

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Yes, bisexual people really do exist, but they aren't any more — or less Bisexual people are not automatically more promiscuous than any. Come and say Hi on the Official r/Bisexual Partnered Discord Server We are not a strictly moderated subreddit but we ask that you are. "I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted - romantically and/or sexually - to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not Yes, and some are. Because.

'Yeah, but nothing as serious as what I have with Tom' I always reply, knowing what they He prods, not giving up on his fishing expedition. Me: Yes, because I didn't tell you about the women. Him: Okay, but how can you have known this long and not told me? I thought you told. Yes, bisexual people really do exist, but they aren't any more — or less Bisexual people are not automatically more promiscuous than any.

Me: Yes, because I didn't tell you about the women. Him: Okay, but how can you have known this long and not told me? I thought you told. Yes! I am bisexual, and yet I have a preference to males. However, at the You may not know for some time, but there's no need to rush into. Yes, bisexual people really do exist, but they aren't any more — or less Bisexual people are not automatically more promiscuous than any.






That would happen later. First, I had to come out to myself. Growing up in a socially conservative religion, I was taught that sex was reserved for monogamously married men and women.

Well, I could chalk that up to appraisal, not desire. Women check each other out all the time, I told bisexual.

I want to be like them, not with them. And sure, I thought about kissing my best friend, but that was just hormones misfiring I blamed a lot on hormones yes-butno. I was convincing. I started having panic attacks in elementary school. Something was wrong with me, and somehow it was my fault. Boys pushed these anxieties to the back of my yes-butno. I liked how being with them made me think about sex.

And I liked being liked by boys, bisexual dating them meant participating in a narrative that everyone in my world could understand, including me. In my early twenties, I married the best of the boys, an attractive engineer with a dry wit who made me laugh until I cried and saved all the receipts from our first year bisexual dating.

My feelings for women never went anywhere, but I got better bisexual better at explaining them away. As I got older, my world expanded. The day of the wedding arrived, and so did Miriam, devastatingly beautiful in a rainbow jumpsuit.

I spent the day torn between wanting to talk to her and wanting to hide. Over the next few days I lost my fear, but not my fascination. My 31st birthday happened to fall that weekend, and to celebrate, Liam, his new husband, Miriam, and I all drove out to the White Springan ancient well with supposed mystical properties in Glastonbury. Visitors are allowed to swim, so we all jumped into the icy water. Maybe the White Spring really is magical, and I was blessed by that strange, old place. Or maybe I was just sick of lying to myself.

I spent the rest of the day in a haze. None of these three beloved people were straight, and they were all happy and confident in their sexualities. I could be like them. I could be myself. It was both. Do I have a type? So yes-butno, the deepest joy of coming out has been learning to trust that the things that make me me — what I want, who I want — are valuable. But why should that matter? Thankfully, this is changing as more and more shows introduce bi characters who are at ease with their own sexuality.

Two of my favorite shows, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Jane the Virgineach have more than one bisexual character. Darryl even gets a song! Even coming out to my husband was surprisingly easy. But the lingering regrets I have are less about my present, and more about my past. Haylie Swenson is a writer, educator and cool aunt living in Austin, with her husband and two cats.

Coming out at workand 15 great reader comments on sex. Illustration by Alessandra Olanow. Thank you! Came out to a friend first and then next day to my husband on our anniversary. Both were wonderful and almost everything about your story resonates with me. Thank you for sharing your story.

I just want to say thank you for this. I came out to myself three months ago, and I am also in a happy heterosexual marriage. Coming out to my husband was easy, he had known I was bi before I knew myself. He laughed and smiled when I told him, and then we laughed together! I grew up in a similar fashion, conservative religious in a rural state, and was told being LGBTQ was a sin. I convinced myself, much like you did, that my crushes on women was just admiration.

I recently met an openly bisexual woman where I realized for the first time that I did indeed have a crush on her. I came out to my wife, three adult children and gay friends this past winter at age I told her No, I love her.

That was it. So the most bisexual encounter was with myself for 65 years. Haylie, this was one of the best readings I had in quite a while. Bisexual was, in fact, in need of this. I grew up in religious environment and sexuality was never an issue… I was born a guy, I was destined to grow up, find a girl and get married. And there was just no space to questioning it because it was so natural.

Question the way that I grew up, question the veiled rejection of homosexuality. I told my wife of twelve years of my distant past gay relationships right at the beginning of our dating yes-butno labelling myself, or her asking for a label.

I love her so much and am very committed to our monogamy. Please help me understand this I care about her more than she knows. Was I wrong in telling her I was OK with it. You are OK with it. You were right to tell her that. And there are many, many, many reasons that a person bisexual push away another person that have nothing to do with sexual orientation. You deserve someone who wants to draw you near. If someone wants space, you know what they want bisexual space.

I hope you take good care of yourself and treat yourself and others with kindness and respect during times like this. For those women who are in a hetero relationship with cis men and successfully shared your feelings with your husbands—how did you navigate those conversations?

Well, now he seems pretty freaked out. And I want to figure out a way to be both open about this and reassure him… any advice or resources would be greatly appreciated. As I can see from all of these other comments, I am not alone. Although I experimented in college, I never felt comfortable calling myself bi because I was dismissed by so many people as curious or confused.

It is very scary even to type anonymously. I worry that it will make people question my relationship. I also realize that I need to be open with my partner so I can live fully as myself in our relationship. Thank you for sharing your experience. This post means so much to me. Thank you. A heartfelt thank you for bisexual post. I have been looking for stories like this about bisexuals, stories that mirror my own experience and make me feel less different and alone.

Thank you thank you thank you. When my husband and I had been dating in college, I turned to him one night bearing a major confession:. I felt like I had been struggling with that for years and had only put a label to it in the previous months. I want to share how much I love this post and how it resonates deeply for me. I also love the comments. This concept of yes-butno our privilege is a noble one that yes-butno on us to be more sensitive and responsible members of society.

But it really yes-butno us when it takes away our ability to process and reflect on our experiences as individuals, off of the world stage.

But there are yes-butno in the world without proper resources yes-butno menstrual hygiene supplies at all. I stress about the bisexual and not so awesome options I have for public school for my children where I live— while there are literally children in cages on the border.

A gay woman of color in this country likely faces far more hardship than the author does. But her counterpart in some parts of the world faces challenges that are nearly insurmountable— quite likely risking death. Holy yes-butno It is mind boggling— and it is so important to remember all of this! I tried to say something similar in the comments below but you articulated it much more clearly.

I am curious as to how many straight-identifying women on here truly believe that they have never once felt any attraction, curiosity, fantasy, etc towards another woman. I mean if they honestly took away their religious beliefs, the stigma, the family opinions, politics, etc.? T, I definitely agree with your last line.

I told her No, I love her. That was it. So the most difficult encounter was with myself for 65 years. Haylie, this was one of the best readings I had in quite a while. I was, in fact, in need of this. I grew up in religious environment and sexuality was never an issue… I was born a guy, I was destined to grow up, find a girl and get married.

And there was just no space to questioning it because it was so natural. Question the way that I grew up, question the veiled rejection of homosexuality. I told my wife of twelve years of my distant past gay relationships right at the beginning of our dating without labelling myself, or her asking for a label. I love her so much and am very committed to our monogamy. Please help me understand this I care about her more than she knows.

Was I wrong in telling her I was OK with it. You are OK with it. You were right to tell her that. And there are many, many, many reasons that a person would push away another person that have nothing to do with sexual orientation. You deserve someone who wants to draw you near. If someone wants space, you know what they want — space.

I hope you take good care of yourself and treat yourself and others with kindness and respect during times like this. For those women who are in a hetero relationship with cis men and successfully shared your feelings with your husbands—how did you navigate those conversations?

Well, now he seems pretty freaked out. And I want to figure out a way to be both open about this and reassure him… any advice or resources would be greatly appreciated. As I can see from all of these other comments, I am not alone.

Although I experimented in college, I never felt comfortable calling myself bi because I was dismissed by so many people as curious or confused. It is very scary even to type anonymously.

I worry that it will make people question my relationship. I also realize that I need to be open with my partner so I can live fully as myself in our relationship.

Thank you for sharing your experience. This post means so much to me. Thank you. A heartfelt thank you for this post. I have been looking for stories like this about bisexuals, stories that mirror my own experience and make me feel less different and alone. Thank you thank you thank you. When my husband and I had been dating in college, I turned to him one night bearing a major confession:. I felt like I had been struggling with that for years and had only put a label to it in the previous months.

I want to share how much I love this post and how it resonates deeply for me. I also love the comments. This concept of checking our privilege is a noble one that calls on us to be more sensitive and responsible members of society. But it really harms us when it takes away our ability to process and reflect on our experiences as individuals, off of the world stage. But there are women in the world without proper resources for menstrual hygiene supplies at all.

I stress about the limited and not so awesome options I have for public school for my children where I live— while there are literally children in cages on the border. A gay woman of color in this country likely faces far more hardship than the author does. But her counterpart in some parts of the world faces challenges that are nearly insurmountable— quite likely risking death. Holy shit! It is mind boggling— and it is so important to remember all of this!

I tried to say something similar in the comments below but you articulated it much more clearly. I am curious as to how many straight-identifying women on here truly believe that they have never once felt any attraction, curiosity, fantasy, etc towards another woman. I mean if they honestly took away their religious beliefs, the stigma, the family opinions, politics, etc.? T, I definitely agree with your last line. Though primal could mean animalistic, abusive or subjugating, it can also mean just honestly acting on a nice urge.

One given to us by The One. I mean, how can you look at. Even more than kissing, looking into each others faces with longing and excitement….

And please hurry! Beautifully written. It takes hard conversations and logistics are not easy I have a toddler! Ohhhh thank you for this! Was married to a man for 12 years and then, after our marriage ended, met a woman who I am marrying in a couple of months.

In college I was attracted to and had sexual experiences with both men and women. I have this same question. So many people say they felt relief in telling their supportive partner about their bisexuality, but I worry that it will cause harm in a relationship I have no desire to disrupt.

Especially since I have no intention of becoming non-monogamous or seeking out relationships with women. It mattered to me even before I opened up my relationship because it felt like part of my identity that I wanted to be out about. I wanted to go to queer spaces. I wanted to be in queer community. My identity is not my relationship status. And I want to be able to embrace and express that with my partner!

So, to me and I recognize this is not true for everyone it was important to come out and express and enjoy that part of myself! And find others to connect to in the community. She knows I am bi because I was clear about that when I met her but once we committed to being monogamous that is pretty much a non-topic.

It also sounds like many are pursuing some form of open relationships. Why did you tell your partner about your bisexuality?

Did any of you not tell? I am a bisexual woman and have been married to a hetero man for a long time. I have known under the surface that I am bisexual for many years, but have only recently completely admitted to myself that my feelings and urges are real and have a name. Not my husband, not my best friend, not my therapist, not anyone. It feels like telling will only do harm, but it would be such a relief to not be carrying this secret alone.

Have any of you dealt with this stuck place? Have any of you decided to keep your secret? Have any of you regretted telling your partner? Thanks so much for being out there. This giant comments section is a relief. So in the past year, once I admitted to myself this part of who I am, I tried to sort it out on my own, privately.

When I was ready, I told him. I had practiced being honest with myself in this deep way, so I took the risk to practice being this deep and honest with him. Oh, W. I do want to give you a big hug. You are not alone. I wish I had insight to share with you — and I hope others do, including maybe the author. I have no experience with this either, so take this advice with a grain of salt.

Maybe start with your therapist first? If you tell your best friend before your husband, then it might come out that you told a friend before him, and that might feel like a betrayal and worse — he might assume you have feelings for your best friend. More than anything, I just hope that you give as much credence and respect to your own feelings as you are to his.

Sending you love! Hi W, I am bi and married to a woman. My wife knew about my sexuality from the get-go but she is of the opinion that being bi is on the road to being gay.

So in her mind I am now gay we have been married for 10 years. The only real time it would come into play again in my life is if I were to find myself singe widowed or divorced.

Truly I think we are all on the spectrum of sexuality and as our society becomes more and more accepting we will find that all humans have various attractions to various people with various gender identities.

Oh, my goodness you described my situation to a T, My husband is my best friend we are a united front we have been married for a very long time.

When you see him you see me and vice-versa. I want to tell him so bad that I crave the touch and the emotional connection of a woman and it is not because our sex is not amazing I just love the things that I can do with a woman long before things become sexual.

If I were to tell him that It would destroy my year- old marriage without a doubt I would be embarrassed, and ostracized by my children and family for cheating especially if it led to divorce. I would never show up at another family reunion. That is the first thing he would ask me If I have cheated? I would not lie. My husband could care less if it were a man or a woman. Cheating is cheating. I would never with a man. I have been a good girl over five years But I am going crazy and on the prowl It saddens me but I can never tell, but if he figures it out I will never lie.

I feel like I could have written this myself. But exploring my own sexuality and coming to terms with the whole part of who I am is so important—it reframes so many of my experiences growing up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article.

Loving a woman has changed me for the better. Being able to explore and experience and embrace the full range of my sexuality has changed me for the better. Wishing everyone out there the self-awareness and acceptance to believe that what you want — all of the things you want — matter.

Thank you again for your words. Thank you for this! I am bisexual and also married to a man, and bi-erasure is so, so real. Plus this pervasive idea that all bisexual folks are polyamorous or just plain cheaters.

It also took me a long time to come out to myself, and I identify with some of your experiences.. Coming in rather late to say how much I appreciate the acceptance of having, embracing, and articulating sexual desires while remaining in a monogamous marriage. I was very nearly wrecked by a person who took every desire to a physical conclusion — as if it were dishonorable not to — and then lied about it in the context of what I thought was a monogamous relationship.

I think your criticism is misplaced. She identifies as bi not gay. She explicitly stated she is happy in her marriage and loves her husband. This is not so different then someone marrying their first relationship at a young age and then lamenting the other relationships that were not explored as a result even though they are happy in their marriage.

Similarly, marrying a man as a bi women is not a betrayal. How does that make sense? Who one chooses to love is x deeply personal decision which should not carry with it external pressure. That is as equally harmful as the pressure she felt growing up to not acknowledge her bisexuality.

I tried to post a dissenting comment here, too, and it was deleted. Thank you for the response, Joanna. I do understand and respect your guidelines for this space. I am a big fan of your blog my favorites are Beauty Uniforms—yea! A new one today and the home tours.

Thanks again for responding and clarifying. This is lovely. I appreciate the insight. My son at age 10 told me he likes boys and girls — I was like ok. Honestly, bi-sexuality had confused me. He loves everyone. You seem like a pretty cool parent, and he seems like a pretty cool kid. Nina, queer person here!

I wish there were more parents like you. I struggled for years with how to come out to my parents, and it created so much distance between us. I am married to a wonderful bisexual man. He came out to me when we started dating. I am very proud to be married to one. That is awesome MK. I have read a bunch of comments about supportive husbands but unfortunately there is a stigma attached to bi men more so than bi women. Haylie, I can relate to so much of this.

I came out fairly recently, in my lates, and I had many many men in my life before that. Despite having enjoyed sex with men, I now feel gay, rather than bisexual. But then again, do labels really matter, is it really black and white? It makes me so happy to hear when other people had their realisation, and finally reached the point of being fully them and free. It is the best thing : so congratulations and thanks for sharing xx.

Same here I still remember my mum watching me suspiciously when I gave a third glance towards a girl I found attractive when I was in my teens. Gay was also portrait as something foreign something that exists but has nothing to do with you. I too have been with men for most of my life and even at some point started to dislike women perhaps because I could never be with one. And then after 10 years of stable fairly good heterosexual relationship encouraged by lesbians I met in my life by neighbours lesbians too by gay friends I realised that I am too bisexual.

I asked my partner once while drunk to try with a woman got a green light but felt strange about it. I opened up more freely to my dear friend and started to be nice and even flirty towards women. Still deeply sadden by being in a strange position. I recently lost my libido at age of 32 and feel lost. I can day dream and imagine being with a women and thinking life would be easier that way.

I get angry and frustrated by men and never look at them anymore as sexual objects. Interestingly recently i also started to sense that gay women I meet can feel without words that I am too an interested party. Very interesting and frustrating time of my life must say…:. Absolutely relate to this sentiment, Ellie. I believe almost everyone is somewhere along the spectrum of sexuality and not definitively at one end or the other.

Labels may work for some people, but are inherently flawed! I think this is true for most people! What a joy to read! There are so many of us! TBH I have a hard time with sexual identities in general. I think if you were to take the stigma out of sexuality we would all be labeled as bi or human.

As a woman who identifies as bi married to a woman who identifies as gay but fantasizes about men I truly feel that we are all bi, hetero, gay, a-sexual, etc at different points in our lives. Resounding agreement! You worded my thoughts perfectly! I had this conversation yesterday. I am dating another man who is non-monogamous and both he and his wife identify as bi.

Because I am. And I believe a lot of people who do not identify as gay fall along the bisexual spectrum. If we could all just accept our feelings, and not judge others for their own, the world would be a much better place, and we could focus on solving the real issues rather getting in a tither about sexuality. I am a 43 year old woman and I have never been sexually attracted to a woman. I have never felt that nervous, breath-taking feeling that overtakes me when I am attracted to a man, around any woman.

At each end of the spectrum is a place where the attraction only flows to one gender. Like, you, I agree that a lot of people would identify as partially or fully bi if the stigma was removed. However, we erase the validity of people who are truly and fully attracted to the opposite sex if we take away the idea that sexuality is a spectrum.

How does CoJ always manage to find these undiscussed things and bring them into the light? No wonder this community is so wonderful and always makes me feel seen. Feeling less alone is an essential human experience. Oh, hi. Are you in my head? I was raised in a progressive home, but moved from a large, liberal city to a rural one when I was in middle school. I think that conservative environment added to my internalized shame around being attracted to women.

Parents can only do so much to protect their kids. All I know is I could never figure out how to date when I was young, and was always afraid of being seen as gay or butch. Your last bit about wishing you had realized it sooner really resonates.

Anyways, thanks for writing this. It means so much. Slowly, I feel the knot in my stomach unwind. Will be coming out to my husband soon, so wish me luck :. Good luck! I found that once my partner knew and reacted lovingly and supportively , I felt even more connected and attracted to him! Hoping you have the same experience. At the age of 30 after being married to my husband for nine years, I just came out as bisexual to friends last month.

A good marriage can flex — a lot! I feel very seen right now. I have been struggling with my sexuality for the last several months. I resonate this this post so much.

It is so freeing to no longer hide this part of my identity and to finally be authentically me. Sending love to my fellow commenters, wherever you are in your journey! It was easy enough to do at the time. And if I had to choose, it was easy enough to pick the path of least resistance. And so it went. For decades. But that box rattled around up there over the years, and as of late began to make too much noise to ignore. So, a month ago, while on a trip to Japan, I told my wife I wanted to recognize my bisexuality.

I hope you are able to figure out what being out looks like to you. My husband does not declare his sexuality to everyone he meets, but he would mention it if it came up in conversation, and we take our 3 year old son to Pride, for example. It can be tricky!

But being married to a woman makes you no less bi. Sending lots of hugs and encouragement as you work through this! Go Matt! Aside from my name not being Matt, not having been to Japan ever, and telling my second, current wife without labelling my orientation about my decades-distant gay hookups right after our first date, this is my story almost identically. I have no intention of fooling around on her with either guys or girls, so no change there.

I look at the whole thing this way: skiing on only one ski can get you down the mountain, and you might actually get incredibly good at it. You will enjoy the ride. You love that ski. You can and have skied on it for a long time.

And you were born to be a skier. May I suggest romance novels? There are plenty now with either lesbian characters, or women loving women, or even just openly bi women in relationships with men. This one by Courtney Milan, with a year-old heroine, is a lovely intro. What a great, great article!

So insightful and perfectly poignant, this article was so needed at this time! I feel we are more enlightened than ever when it comes to sexual orientations, but bisexuality still seems like a gray area for many.

I sincerely hope no one ever has to grow up with such a longing pain, of wishing their desires mattered, ever again.

And it is so amazing and wonderful the writer came to this epiphany so young! Love all of the bi folx in the comments! I see, love, and celebrate you all as a fellow bi person! Coming out as queer is an act of survival, and of visibility, and I and my wife, and our two children have to do it every day.

Her identity is just as strong as yours, even with a cis male partner. She conquered the barriers that prevented her from understanding the very core of her being. You also do not know where this author is headed in the future. Not yoghurt left in the fridge. I chose a mate. And that person happens to be male. ONE man! But it makes me uneasy. I want to be in the middle. They so desperately need a nice clean box that they can put me in.

Their sexuality is clean and tidy, so they assume others will be as well. But mine is messy and blurry. My sexuality ebbs and flows. What you do need to know is this. I will never sleep with you. Abigoliah Schamaun is a comedian and writer living in London.

For tickets go to www. Follow her on social media at Twitter abigoliah and Instagram abigoliah. We need to talk about bi erasure in media: ever heard of the Unicorn Scale? Apologies to iOS and Safari users, but you may be unable to comment due to an ongoing issue with Facebook.

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